Are you really a nice person
In my life there are two kinds of people. Those who love me and those who can’t stand me. With my personality there is no middle ground. It’s the one or the other. I’d like to think I’m a nice person although there are plenty of people who may disagree. They all have a very good reason to do so, although some rely on loathing by proxy. A sad reality, but one I live with.
Those who know me will not only tell you that I’m a nice person. They’ll be able to back it up by giving you details. They’ll also tell you that I don’t want to be known as nice. Any other descriptive word but just not nice. I’m eccentric and a total drama queen. I honestly don’t mind them telling you that. I’d be the first to agree and laugh out loud. I’m flamboyant too. But then only with those I feel a true connection with. Otherwise I’m all reserved politeness. A real lady. Which is also me by the way. Just my inner introvert who comes out to play.
Then there are those on the other side of the fence. Those that hate my guts and rightfully so. The people who have borne witness to my dark side. (Look at me sounding all fierce and what not) The people who have pushed me into a corner and given me no choice but to fight or take flight. I’m an anxiety sufferer so flight is my natural instinct. But when people threaten my loved ones or attack my person, my fighting instincts kick in. I fight with my head and I fight to win. Detaching my self from all emotions or situations has become one of my best weapons in my arsenal. You know what they say about attack being the best method of defense…
You see, I’m not a mean person. I loathe mean people because I will never deliberately say something to hurt, insult or offend someone. I know how it feels to be on the opposite end of hateful words. It’s not pleasant and words can cause more harm than a physical blow. Emotional scars lasts longer after a wound has healed. Honestly guys, I can’t stand it. My husband knows this and so do my kids. I will preach all day long about how they shouldn’t be mean. Yada, yada, yada… I do also empower my kids to hold their own when it comes to mean people and when to walk away. Because sometimes walking away is the best solution. To save your sanity.
In saying that I don’t like it when people are mean, doesn’t mean that I cowar when they are. In fact, I’m the total opposite. I will call you out and tell you where to get off. Sometimes my heart will be beating at several kilometres per second while I do so, and other times I’ll get it out of my system and not think anything of it. Whichever way it is, I don’t rise victorious. I may win a battle but I hand the war over to my adversaries on a silver platter. Why? It’s a classic tale of the aggressor becoming the victim. Or at least playing the part of the victim while I get labelled a Bee with an itch. Serves me right for opening my mouth hole. They will tell anyone who cares to listen how I’ve wronged them and conveniently leave out the part where I was the one wronged to begin with. And before you know a whole crowd of people have turned against you.
Should you care though?
When I was younger I wanted to plead my case and have people hear my side of the story. I didn’t want people to hate me because of hearsay. I also wanted to mend fences with the ones whom I sparred with because I don’t particularly see the sense in living with that burden. These days I still find myself wanting to mend fences with people but the voice of experience tells me that some relationships are not worth saving. That toxic people will remain that way and you make yourself vulnerable to another attack in the future. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll forgive and love people from a distance.
I have a colleague with a terrible temper. When she’s stressed out she doesn’t care what she says and often hurts and angers people. I have been on the opposite end of these tirades before and believe me there has been nothing I wanted to do more than tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. I haven’t. One of us needs to remain calm in these situations and it’s usually me. I do bide my time and the correct opportunity always presents itself where I can tell her that she needs to find a better way of dealing with her anger. She has a problem with erecting barriers and when she’s strung out it all surfaces. To the wrong people. She ends up offending the wrong people. She doesn’t hate me for speaking my mind when I do.
Some of my husband’s family and I are not on the best of terms because when his mom passed away three years ago grief made some terrible humans of all of us. I had my pound of flesh when I found that my husband was being berated and when they insulted and offended me. Some of them forgot that the deceased was his mom and not just their sister they saw once in a while. Some of them I greet while others ceased to exist to me.
My dad’s family and I are probably at odds because of an argument I had with one of his sisters earlier this year. I say probably because I don’t see them to know if it is the case. I don’t intend on finding out either. Not everything that is spoken about me is my business and if judging by the lies that’s been forcefed to my dad and sibs from said aunt, I’m probably a loathed individual. Oh well.
Allowing people to be mean to you is not “Being a nice person”. Accepting peoples disrespect doesn’t make you “a nice person.”
But why am I telling you this? I needed you to have some details before I tell you what I really need you to know. I don’t want you to think badly of my colleague, my husband or dad’s families. They are all good people. We just had moments that I feel is relevant to this post. They will tell you that I’m not a nice person and I am accepting of that verdict. Not my colleague though. I spend most of my day with her so if anything, she would probably be my best character witness.
I’m the kind of human you can take to war with you because when I love, I love hard and I will fight alongside you and for you. Sometimes I won’t rise when you bait me. Mostly I won’t rise, but there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Don’t ever get personal with someone. Don’t pick a fight or be inconsiderate because you won’t only risk hurting them but you’ll force them to retaliate. Ever hear the quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” It’s true.
What I’ve learned about being offended:
- Sometimes keeping quiet is the best way to deal with a situation. Wait for the dust to settle before you play your card.
- Be rational and don’t always think with your emotions.
- When people attack you, you don’t have to tolerate it. You are no one’s punching bag.
- You don’t have to defend yourself or tell your side of the story. People will believe what they choose to. It’s easier for them to believe the worst.
- The people who believe in one side of a story ate not your people. You want open minded people in your life. Not ones who will loathe you (Or anyone else) by proxy.
- You can call it a day on any toxic relationship. It’s not just reserved for friends and lovers. Family can be the most toxic people you encounter. Familiarity breeds contempt.
In all my dealings leading up to the blow ups with anyone I’ve ever had, I’ve always been reasonable. Nice even. Laughing at the right things and ignoring little jibes . You know those “I’m only joking” variety from in-laws who have not accepted you as one of their own. Growing up I had to wear the blame jacket for things like cousins’ smoking, others weren’t allowed to associate with me because I was a bad influence. I tried so hard to be nice and to be liked and accepted. To be a good girl.
Moral of the story…
It doesn’t matter how nice you think you are with people. Whether you think you’re keeping the peace with them by keeping quiet when they’re being meanies.
The following doesn’t make you a nice person either:
- Giving other people the right to do things you don’t approve of.
- Having people take advantage of your kindness.
- Allowing people to “Just joke” and laugh at your expense. You need to laugh at yourself sometimes, I recommend it but having people laugh at you and making you cry whether they are your tears or not. Nope. That’s not on.
- Keeping quiet when your spouse or partner is being discussed or ill treated.
- Allowing people to take as much of you as they want and emotionally draining you.
- Letting people direct your life. You alone should have the power innyour life.
We have no control over people’s actions or words but we can set boundaries and enforce it. This misconstrued “niceness” only sucks the life out of you. I’ll go as far as to say that you hand people the straws to enable them to suck the life out of you. We don’t have to go through life fighting, but we don’t have to go through life being martyrs either.
Always remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is out to hurt or insult you. So trust your gut. It will tell you whether someone/thing is good or bad. Don’t ever drink drama Kool-Aid. That crap is bad for your health. And lastly, you are only a victim if you choose to be. Don’t be that person.
Disclaimer: The above examples are not used as a clap back. This is also not intended to tell my side of the story or to make me look good. While the relationships have been broken, I do cherish the good memories shared with those people and choose to love them from a distance. My experiences is what it is. It happened and I took the lesson.