Red Wine, Little White Lies and Sinking Ships

If I tell you what I really do for a living, I’d have to kill you. But since I’m already in too deep, I can’t do that. Kill you, that is. Not that I would want to. How to get away with Murder doesn’t quite tell us the actual How. And the crime channel makes me believe that I would get caught. Besides, what would I do with your body? Added to that, I talk in my sleep so I would totally confess that I killed Professor Plum in the conservatory with a wrench. Heck, I wouldn’t even have to be snoring to confess. Turns out my mouth volunteers information when wine takes over. So no murders. Not today and not here anyways.

Moving on…

For the past few months I’ve been at the doctor’s rooms far more than I like. I’ve been rather sick-ish and my kidneys weren’t faring too well. Two specialist appointments, plenty of poking and prodding later, my kidneys have been given the all clear. Not without the professor referring me to another specialist though. A totally unrelated matter but a referral all the same. Thank you, but no. My kidneys are fine, and so am I, as far as I’m concerned. It was refreshing to see a bunch of doctor’s who didn’t rely on my self diagnosis alone to make a prognosis. You know those kinds of doctors. You visit and tell them that you have a cold and they basically agree. You’ve got a cold!

With my somewhat clean bill of health I felt it good to celebrate afterwards. A very bad idea because after months of wine sniffing only (literally), I nearly fainted after my third sip. My alcohol tolerance has dropped drastically. Not that I can chug down plenty of bottles. I’m a secretary, not a damn sailor. But I can comfortably enjoy at least two glasses under normal circumstances. I like wine and it likes me back. Sometimes it likes me too much. Like one Saturday evening when I was upset and passed out after inhaling too much wine. Not before publishing a post about my frustrations. I had a lapse in judgement. While I can blame my state of inebriation, I also can’t. Sometimes I suck at life and allow people to suck the life out me. The post has since been removed. A narrow escape.

Every single day of my life feels like a narrow escape. I plot and plan. I distract and deter. If you want a problem to disappear, I’m your woman. If winning means I have to act dim witted, I’ll have you eating out my hands while you enjoy the view from the pedestal you think I put you on. I’m the consummate performer with a willing audience. They will me to do it. In short, I’m a liar. I deceive people for a living. Whether it’s little white lies or withholding information, I lie. It comes naturally. It drips from my mouth like the sweetest nectar. Everyone wants a taste of it. While I don’t officially get paid to lie, I get compensated well for it. People depend on me to placate them with sweet nothing’s daily.

Sex sells, but lies are more easily accessible.

Being a liar is easy. Withholding information here, and a quick diversion there. It happens so fast that you don’t even realize what you’ve done. And those occasions that you do, well let’s just say if you’ve done it one too many times, you write it off as a little white lies. Surely it doesn’t count if no one gets hurt. In fact, as often as people claim to want the truth, they are more than willing to accept the lie. The worst of it is when they know it’s a lie but take it because it’s easier to digest than the truth.

The easiest part of being a liar is when you do it to protect someone. Now I’m not talking about the lies you have to justify to yourself. When you have to convince yourself that “you’re only doing the right thing by…” I’m talking about possible life threatening circumstances. Or when you know that all that stands between you and someone’s safety is a few carefully chosen words. A quick twist here and an omission there. It’s a survival skill really.

It’s never OK to lie though. Or is It?

While it’s never a good idea to lie, I find it necessary when you work with children, you’ll know that their safety comes first. The longer you’re in the game the quicker you notice anomalies. They come in the shape of dysfunctional families, estranged parents, bad friends and bless my soul, Blessers. In a perfect world we wouldn’t have to protect kids from this. I wouldn’t have to lie. Working in an environment charged with negative auras and one upmanship, your best bet is to always stay neutral. So I lie. By omission off course. There’s no way I want the knife in my colleague’s back be the weapon I provided another colleague. No thank you. Sometimes lies are called for to get someone else out of a sticky situation or to extend deadlines. I told you, little white lies are survival skills. Sometimes withholding information is the best for all parties involved. The truth or too much information can be harmful.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way endorsing lies. I hate being lied to. Telling lies for the sake of making excuses for mistakes or bad behaviour leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Trying to save face or your own behind is just a no. There’s no grey area. Some may argue that white lies are the grey area but there are differences. There is nothing little or white about telling a lie to keep someone out of jail for a crime they did commit. People go to jail for obstruction of justice. Telling yourself that there’s nothing wrong with chatting to someone else behind your partners back is one of the biggest lies you can tell yourself. Lying to a friend about why you couldn’t honour a commitment is a lie. Sparing someone’s feelings by lying to them are lies. Those are the kinds of truths they would appreciate you for. Sure they may be upset for a while but it’s way better than breaking trust. It’s a difficult task to rebuild trust.

Loose lips sink ships.

These days there are too many people volunteering information about others. I guess its always been that way but it’s getting worse. Whether it’s the truth or a fabrication, people always have to say something. Ugh! It makes me mad. Like we all need to know everyone’s business. Like what are you actually going to do with the Intel? Is it going to make you richer? Live longer perhaps? How do you even know if it’s true? Does knowing someone’s trials and tribulations make you feel better about your own life? Knowing that someone else has it worse than you is the ultimate achievement. Is that it?

Relationships are fragile. How many of us can actually say that we have a friend who we cam implicitly trust? So many women crave friendships like those of Carrie Bradshaw and her gang in Sex and The City. A friend you can lean on. Laugh and cry with. A friend who will accept you, warts and all. For all the want we find it difficult to trust another person enough to let them in. Why? Because we’re too afraid of our confidences being broken. The friend we trust often turns out to be the one who hurts us the most. Telling your life to just one person who tells it to just one person… It’s difficult for us to keep things to ourselves sometimes. Ask me, I sometimes have this burning desire to just offload. Luckily, for everyone else out there, my best friend is my husband and girl talk is not the same when you talk to a man. So I keep the information stored in my “useless” folder in brain.

Strangely enough, I am the type of person you would tell your deepest darkest secrets to. I always wonder why people choose me to confide and confess to. For all my talking and writing I would seem the most unlikely candidate to tell stuff to, yet my vault is full of secrets. Not mine to keep but also not mine to share. I guess being a liar is not so bad after all. The biggest part of being a liar is withholding the truth. And let’s face it, your truth may not be mine. In fact if I didn’t see it with my own eyes, it may not have happened. And even if it did I’m going to pretend that it didn’t. But before you think I’m promoting myself here, let me tell you why I am the keeper of secrets. If I had secrets to share, I would love to have a friend like me who I could trust. I want to be the friend that I want to have. Oh I do have secrets though. Just none to share 😉

I hate that I have to lie. I hate that I’m so good at it. I loathe that I don’t practice what I preach to my kids. But I do want them to know just how important lies are.

When I say that I lie for a living, what I actually mean is that confidentiality is one of the most important aspects of my job. Not everything is meant for everyone’s eyes and ears. It’s my job to make sure that certain things do not become public knowledge. It’s not just my job. It’s who I am. No amount of wine or sleep talking is going to pry it out of me. Business or personal.

What I really want you to know:

  1. Drink responsibly. Don’t be the kind of drunk who volunteers information. It may seem like a good idea at the time but you can never unsay words.
  2. Don’t lie if you don’t have to. Lies destroy lives. No matter how hard the truth is, it always trumps a lie.
  3. Treasure and nurture every relationship you have. Be to others the person you want in your life
  4. Words can get you into a lot of trouble. Use it wisely.
  5. Always think before you talk. It doesn’t matter if you’re angry, hurt or sad. Words are not often forgotten.
  6. In all things, never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

With love,


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