The message I wish I didn’t have to send

You know how people always ask “Why does bad things always happen to good people?” Well, this is where I’m at now. This afternoon I received some terrible news about someone I care for very much. A woman that has been a part of my life for the past five years. A second mom to my son and hundreds of other kids who has had the pleasure to meet her and be a part of her light.

The woman who embraces everyone age comes across with a warm hug. The type of hugs grannies give. You know the kind that makes you feel like you are loved, that reassures you and makes you feel all kinds of special? And when she opens her mouth to speak, it’s always positive even when her world is crumbling around her. Her reprimands are done with love and kindness. She is one of the most selfless people I know. The kind of woman I aspire to be like.

When #FirstK informed me this afternoon that she’s been diagnosed with cancer my whole world was shook. I went from shock to anger to “why her” to sadness and all round hopelessness. All this while I trying to muster the courage to call or text her. It shouldn’t be too difficult. Right? But then again, it is. How do you say “I’m sorry you have cancer”? Well I suppose you could just say that but… It’s just not something you say to someone. How do you offer platitudes to someone when you know that there are no guarantees?

Instead I’ve been writing to get a grip on my feelings. Emotions I have no right to. Cancer didn’t happen to me. But I am angry dammit! I am sad. I am asking WHY even though I’m not supposed to question. I’m going insane with worry. For her. Her husband and kids. And I feel deflated.

Knowing there are so many shitty people roaming the earth who never even get the flu, makes me even more peeved. Selfish and self righteous idiots who believe the worst thing that can happen to them is to be a few rands short. Why do they not get cancer? Then I quickly banish my thought pattern and chide myself because no one deserves cancer. I guess irrational can be added to my list of emotions. Kind of shitty myself, I might add. I can’t be angry at them. They didn’t give her cancer. I can’t be mad at cancer. It’s not a person who may give a damn. I can’t be mad at God because that just not what I believe.

So after I gathered my thoughts (a bit), I sent her a text to let her know that we love her and will be praying for her. The coward in me couldn’t make the call and have her hear the sadness in my voice. The compassionate woman in me didn’t want her to tell me the same things she’s probably had to tell many people. I didn’t want her to be strong for my sake. To be positive and make me feel better. Because if I’m breaking then how the hell does she feel?

I am not angry. I’m sad. Afraid of what tomorrow may bring. And all thr tomotrows after that. Scared as hell for her. Trying my best to be positive.

With love,

CJ

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