Beyond Motherhood

New Year… Same Me?

The much anticipated new year is upon us and as much as we all crave to exhale and stop wearing those dratted masks, Covid 19 is still as much a reality as it was in 2020. Fun times! Especially since we can’t entire to the beach in summer. But is it really all that bad?

I don’t know about you but I choose life every single time. Even if it means staying indoors and I’m bored in the house and I’m in the house bored.

The last year has taught me many lessons about myself, my family and humanity. How resilient and adaptable we are. How many of us came together during a global pandemic. Hearts opened and immeasurable kindness overflowed.

Sometimes tensions flared and with too much time on our hands things would get out of hand. I have never seen so many fights online. For a moment there I almost lost myself in those fights too and was accused of being a bully who subscribes to cancel culture. Hold up… Wait a minute… Me?

Sadly I chose to enter an argument I wasn’t invited to by calling people out. I won’t go into details because like I said, I nearly lost myself and I don’t usually subscribe to drama. So yeah, I had to check myself and did it real good. Because I’m a heart person and believe in guarding my heart. It was an invaluable lesson though. I was reminded that no argument or difference can be resolved virtually. Words can be just that. Words. And we never really know what the intent is behind anyone’s words. Being face to face does however simplify matters.

I’m sure we all know that half the things said online will never make it past most of our lips when we’re all in the same room.

That said… I have gone back to basics of being me. The woman I feel comfortable with. The one I can be proud of and love when I look into the mirror. So in a way, it’s new year same me. Except for a few life changing events that occurred in December. Events that I’m nowhere close to discussing at this stage. It affects my kids and we are currently dealing with a lot of demons.

I randomly review my life at any time during a year so I don’t wait until we’re on the cusp on a new year to implement changes. Last week however, I was forced to do some introspection and discovered that wounds from my childhood has never healed. While a rough-ish childhood has made me a strong woman who does not live my life on anyone’s terms, there is some resentment and bitterness that resides here. The well balanced and ordered life I thought I lead is actually holding me back from the life I’m supposed to lead. It does not coincide with the Christian values I am pursuing. Withholding me from my purpose. Yikes!!! Who am I evens? And can I go back to three weeks ago before all this happened?

This morning as I washed my face and looked into the mirror, a pair of sad and haunted eyes stared back at me. I found myself doing something I haven’t done since I was in my teens. I made a New Year’s resolution. I vowed to take myself back. To pursue the much needed healing I need and to choose happy. Also, to start writing again. It is after all the one activity that brings me peace. Thinking and processing my feels through my fingertips. Being unapologetic about it and sharing the experience with anyone who cares to read.

This is after all the reason I started this blog. To share experiences (good and bad) and hopefully reach out to women and connecting with likeminded individuals who may just be the ear or shoulder you need.

If you’re new here, be sure to check out my About page for a bit of insight into who I am.

Looking forward to sharing this journey with you and reconnecting with myself and all my old pocket friend. Until then, Happiest of Happy New Year to you. May 2021 bring you peace, love and joy.

With love,

CJ ❤

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